I tasted his lips last night.

It was beautiful.  I waited until night.  He was still there.  We both felt the tension.  It was perfect.  The buildup of tension released slowly as we found ourselves in each others arms naturally, as if meant to be like two pieces of a puzzle fitting and locking edges.

I know I can never ever have him in this lifetime; the blow of the consequences of the possibility far outweigh what can be experienced.  I know because I have been there.  Done to someone and done to me.  The wounds marked deep scabs.

Nonetheless, the feeling is still great.  His smile, his composure, his eyes, his everything, but the cold careful side is deterring.  But his performance in class is nothing short of comfort and charm.  He is accessible, so close and yet so untouchable.  Why can I not have him?  Well because maybe he has what I want – confidence and approachable nature.  But he’s married, he’s far too high up in the socioeconomic status.

He speaks of liability and insurance.  And I wish to sit in front of him and listen for eternity.  Just to watch him smile, and talk his talk of young bay mud, franciscan melange, his dilatant knuckles, and accompany those loose ends with ‘loosy goosy’ and ‘witchy’ anecdotes as he sway side to side like talking to bunch of kindergarteners.

Maybe just a slice.  A piece.  Most times as he explain things to an audience in which I participate.  I watch everything but what he said.  ‘what the hell did he just say?’  I can’t help when he’s movements are so distracting and so cute.

So so so cute, I imagine holding and touching his hands when he’s close by.  Touching and slowly rubbing his stubby cheek.  Is that so wrong to offer myself for a meseley sensation of the epidermal.

I don’t know why, but it’s strong and it’s great.  Sometimes I just want to walk to him and hold him.  The strong attraction is so there.  But whether he understands it.  Time will only tell.  I don’t want everything just a piece.  Just a small peck.

This is so pathetic, just thinking about it.  He’s way out of my league.  and if I agree to this term, I am basically selling self too cheap.  Giving up something precious so i can have a speck of attention.

That’s what it amounts to, a validation of my worth.  Will he notice me, am I worthy of being loved, thrown bits of affection to satisfy my pathetic limb confidence.

this is so sad.  Can’t I just say I am attractive to him?  It’s not my fault I feel something very strong.  I have not acted on it or anything.

Well, let’s hope it will never fester into something big that it rots everything it comes across.

What to do?…………………………

~ by ethelinecimatu on May 1, 2009.